


Utter Chaos

by lol-phan-af (sunflowersocialist)



Series: 1-800-did-I-ask [115]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, First Dates, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Texting, clownery and general idiocy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 08:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21389485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowersocialist/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: more like HUNKules: our bABE is going on a date for the first time ever. I have to die I just HAVE TOmore like HUNKules: this isn't happening right
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson/Lafayette/John Laurens/James Madison/Hercules Mulligan, Anastasie Louise Pauline du Motier/Martha Jefferson Randolph, James Cunnington/Francis Henderson (b.c 1774)/Frances Laurens, Theodosia Burr Alston/Philip Hamilton
Series: 1-800-did-I-ask [115]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/421381
Comments: 5
Kudos: 115





	Utter Chaos

**anastasie**: okay I have something to tell you but I REFUSE to look at y'all when I do it so 

**anastasie**: text message

**pip pip doodly doo**: why are we ALL here?? 

**james**: oh like all all 

**macaroni fUCK**: I'm just happy to be included y'all

**anastasie**: you're?? my stepfather?? 

**jmadzzz**: omg stop

**jmadzzz**: i am. too emotional for this.

**anastasie**: ???? I'm just?? riGHT??

**macaroni fUCK**: we KNOW 

**little lion**: how many people are here

**theodosia the Second**: your family and then us 

**little lion**: so our family

**theodosia the Second**: ,,,sir,,,

**pip pip doodly doo**: she said that *softly and with feeling*

**pip pip doodly doo**: she's trying not to cry right now

**theodosia the Second**: fuck OFF

**theodosia the Second**: I just said fuck in a group chat with your parents AGAIN

**jmadzzz**: as people who say fuck every other word, I can assure you we do not care

**little lion**: theohdkjsdhk you knOW THAT 

**anastasie**: I CALLED THIS FOR A REASON CAN WE FOCUS

**johnn**: I've never once focused on anything in my life nice try

**anastasie**: KSDHSDHSKJDH

**anastasie**: ANYWAY 

**anastasie**: SO

**anastasie**: I HAVE A UHHH,,,

**anastasie**: DATE. TONIGHT. SORT OF. 

**anastasie**: ITS SORT OF KIND OF MAYBE NOT A DATE BUT I WANT IT TO BE A DATE 

**little lion**: ,,,you're sixteen

**little lion**: how old is the other person

**anastasie**: also sixteen kdhsjkdh

**anastasie**: you know her actually

**more like HUNKules**: ???

**more like HUNKules**: also hi love I was sitting w your parent reading the text message I am here to support

**more like HUNKules**: but also I am. I have questions.

**anastasie**: I'm going on maybe a date with martha schuyler-wayles 

**little lion**: MY GODDAUGHTER MARTHA SCHUYLER-WAYLES??

**anastasie**: ,,,,,,yes

**little lion**: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN

**france eyes**: ana added me to the family group chat aw

**anastasie**: youRE!! ALL FAMILY!! WHAT IS THIS??

\---

**little lion**: WHAT DO YOU KNOW

**angelica**: literally so much you're going to have to specify

**little lion**: MY DAUGHTER AND YOUR DAUGHTER

**angelica**: W H A T??

**little lion**: THEYRE APPARENTLY GOING MAYBE ON A DATE 

**little lion**: I CANT TELL YOU ANY MORE SHE ADDED US TO A GROUP CHAT WITH LIKE A MILLION PEOPLE BUT I LOVE HER SO I WILL NOT SHARE ALL OF HER BUSINESS

**angelica**: OH uhh no martha said they are going Out and she was freaking out abt it because she is like hearts at ana and she is ((as she put it)) GAY AS ALL HELL

**angelica**: this is how she tells us things

**angelica**: at full volume on the coffee table and ten pm while I lay half asleep in dolley's arms and they try to keep me awake as she paces

**little lion**: your coffee table is glass no??

**angelica**: it doesn't stop her

**angelica**: not to be a weenie but do you ever just love your kids??

**little lion**: I mean all the time but I get what you mean

**little lion**: we really raised the best most chaotic children

**angelica**: I know!!!! I'm emotional

**angelica**: anyVAY uhh yes she said YOU can tell ana that martha likes her but martha can't tell ana that martha likes her 

**angelica**: idk why

**little lion**: hercules sometimes gets embarassed telling me he loves me and he has been in a relationship with me since I was 22 years old 

**little lion**: emotions are hard I get it 

**angelica**: okay but you're all disgusting?? you're outliers and you don't apply

**little lion**: hercules said he's hurt by that accusation

**angelica**: pardon me while I BLECHKJH

**angelica**: BLEKSKHDKJDHSKDHHH

**little lion**: oh are you gagging rn 

**angelica**: yeah

**little lion**: cool cool cool

**little lion**: I'm gonna go do estimates or sumn

**little lion**: feel better!!

**angelica**: BITCH

**little lion**: OKAY BUT ANGE

**little lion**: OUR KIDS ARE FALLING IN LOVE ITS HAPPENING

**angelica**: OH I KNOW!! OUR MASTER PLAN!! 

\---

**anastasie**: hhhh idk a whiLE?? WHY

**little lion**: AND YOU DIDNT T E L L U S??

**anastasie**: HERCULES DIDNT TELL HIS PARENTS Y'ALL WERE TOGETHER UNTIL YOU WERE ALREADY ENGAGED!! 

**anastasie**: E N G A G E D !!! 

**more like HUNKules**: I'm going to just stand here and whoever would like to punch me in the face Can

**more like HUNKules**: ITD HURT LESS THAN ALL THE HITS IM TAKING ANYWAY

**johnn**: god I loOOoOoOve you 

**more like HUNKules**: I love you too 

**little lion**: I love all of you every single one of you in this chat but can we get back to the MATTER at HAND

**little lion**: also where are lucy and jane?? my small daughters

**anastasie**: YES WE CAN GET BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND

**jane junior**: I was wrestling 

**lucy junior**: ME. THEY WERE WRESTLING ME.

**lucy junior**: IM DYING 

**jane junior**: don't be a wimp 

**lucy junior**: fuCK OF F

**macaroni fUCK**: god I just aged thirty years I thought you were LAUGHING IN THERE

**lucy junior**: I WAS GETTING MURDERED

**jmadzzz**: our sweet summer baby child 

**laf**: my heart

**jmadzzz**: :^)

**laf**: why aren't you at work?? we could've all had lunch together

**macaroni fUCK**: soMEONE had a panic attack last night and was dry heaving so hard he voMd so,,we are going in late today

**more like HUNKules**: thaTs why alex was up at 3 in the morning talking in the bathroom

**more like HUNKules**: I didn't think it was Suspicious btw that's not what I meant 

**more like HUNKules**: having a solid weight on your chest for most of the night and then it suddenly leaves you. notice

**little lion**: ya !! but y'all were asleep and james was. panicking. so I wasn't gonna both wake you up and ask james ""hey can I do this possibly invasive thing before you might be comfortable with it"" while he was so vulnerable

**more like HUNKules**: get dinner with me

**jmadzzz**: marry me,,,

**macaroni fUCK**: gOD I love you

**little lion**: aw y'all're so cute

**little lion**: yes to all of you and I love you too thomas!! 

**little lion**: can we go to that sushi place

**more like HUNKules**: ofc !! I need a spicey tuna roll

**laf**: spicey

**more like HUNKules**: ,,,,I hath decideth to dieth

**laf**: HJSDHKSD

**laf**: !! okay anastasie continue

**laf**: sorry there's so many people

**anastasie**: it's finE!! I did this bc I knew it would be chaotic and therefore take pressure off of me 

**anastasie**: ALSO N O I DIDNT TELL YOU BC IM NOT A FREAK LIKE FRANCES

**frances**: OH F U C K YOU

**frances**: AT LEAST I DIDNT MAKE A GROUP CHAT I WENT TO ONE DAD PRIVATELY AND WAS LIKE HI HELP

**frances**: AND THEN TOLD ALL THE PARENTS VIA A DINNER 

**laf**: aw that was so fun

**johnn**: lafayette would never cheat on us but you cheated us OUT of chocolate

**johnn**: so fuck you

**laf**: ANYWAY

**laf**: WE'RE HAPPY FOR YOU ANA!! AND WE HOPE IT WORKS OUT

**anastasie**: thanks!! being gay sucks 

**jane junior**: word

**lucy junior**: incorrect 

**anastasie**: no we're right

**lucy junior**: ????no?????

\---

**more like HUNKules**: our bABE is going on a date for the first time ever. I have to die I just HAVE TO 

**more like HUNKules**: this isn't happening right

**more like HUNKules**: like it's NOT like an omg my youngest daughter is becoming old enough to Date People no one else can have her it's just like wow the passage of time is inescapable and I hate that for us

**more like HUNKules**: our child GRADUATED dude and our other one is ENGAGED to be ENGAGED 

**more like HUNKules**: and we are here as grown adults having crushes on other grown adults like we are not built for this

**little lion**: hercules is shaped like a friend a husband a dad and the most wonderful person and I'm gonna kiss you so HARD if you don't sTOP

**more like HUNKules**: kiss me anyway 

**little lion**: ,,do you want me to drive over or ??

**laf**: oh the fact that our children are getting older actually strikes genuine fear into my heart if only for the reason that it means I won't be able to see them everyday 

**laf**: like how to other people DO THIS

**little lion**: okay let me be crazy for a minute

**johnn**: you've been crazy for several minutes since we met over the course of over twenty years

**johnn**: but,,continue

**little lion**: okay word but what if. the entire world. is a lie.

**little lion**: and everyone is a robot including other people's children except us and they are all scheming so that we love our children so much to HURT US when they have to LEAVE US

**laf**: okay now hold on a damn minute

**more like HUNKules**: I love you alexander but no

**laf**: hmmm,,,much to think about

**more like HUNKules**: WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO THINK ABOUT 

**laf**: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,much to think about

**more like HUNKules**: IM???

\---

**more like HUNKules**: so,,ana,,where are ya goin??

\---

**jmadzzz**: are we planning a stakeout or something?? 

**laf**: as hot as john looks in black our car is too noticeable 

**jmadzzz**: ,,,that's,,the only reason??

\---

**anastasie**: why

**anastasie**: are you gonna stalk me or something??

**more like HUNKules**: why does everyone think we're gonna stalk you??

**more like HUNKules**: we don't even have the equipment for that 

**little lion**: we could always just like. follow at a distance. while remaining completely normal looking.

**johnn**: 4-6 adults in disguises following around two teenaged girls?? okay

**little lion**: u right

**anastasie**: I. hate you so much.

**anastasie**: ALSO whY DO I THINK YOURE GONNA STALK ME?? you're weird ass parents who do weird ass shit!!

**little lion**: I'd ask for sources but I know you're right so no ma'am I don't wish to be murdered today!! no I do NOT!!

**pip pip doodly doo**: thank god I think I would die of old age before I got the chance to even crack the surface of trying to list all the offenses 

**anastasie**: oh you're right BUT if you must know, we're going to that little amusement park where we used to go when we were kids

**frances**: which was MY IDEA THANK YOU

**frances**: also,,,can we hang out rn?? like all of us??

**more like HUNKules**: ,,I should be done at work by three

**more like HUNKules**: imma come home and hang out

**anastasie**: yay!! you can help me pick out clothes for this event tonight!!

**little lion**: wait a damn minute where ARE you 

**little lion**: you're supposed to be in here learning how to do estimates???

**anastasie**: I'm in the waiting room of gwash's office bc he wanted to SEE ME

**anastasie**: wait am I getting fired

**anastasie**: DAD AM I GETTIGN FIRED

**little lion**: no, he promised he would tell me if he was gonna fire you 

**little lion**: to which john got mad and said you weren't GONNA be fired bc you're so good at everything you do

**johnn**: I like to defend my kids

**johnn**: sue me

**anastasie**: *softly and with feeling* dude

**johnn**: ??? I love you what the heck

**anastasie**: I love you TOO 

**anastasie**: can we all do something together

**anastasie**: jeffersons and in laws included

**anastasie**: that'd be so fun omg please

**little lion**: omg ye!! I'll corral the family 

**little lion**: OLIVE GARDEN

**anastasie**: omg can we go to olive garden and then like. uhh do something else??

**more like HUNKules**: !! yes !! I'm coming up the stairs now

**little lion**: there's too many people in our family to go to olive garden

**anastasie**: hmm,,,lemme get back to you

**little lion**: take ya time

**frances**: ??? why the stairs???

**more like HUNKules**: gotta get steps in 

**little lion**: pics please

**pip pip doodly doo**: shut UP

**little lion**: shh I'm trying to do something rn 

**more like HUNKules**: what, pray tell, are you asking for pictures of,,??

**little lion**: youR FACE AND BODY

**little lion**: you're wearing yellow today bitch I ain't forget

**more like HUNKules**: okay fiNE

**little lion**: I love you so much

**more like HUNKules**: I love you too 

\---

**laf**: what are you doing rn 

**laf**: you're pacing

**johnn**: oh I'm on a conference call 

**laf**: disgusting!!

**laf**: fuCK I have a meeting today 

**little lion**: same !! 

**little lion**: where's your meeting

**laf**: the ugly fucking green conference room

**little lion**: same!! yay we can sit together

**laf**: god bless I can't listen to this little rat man that's supposed to be presenting talk about fucking nothing for two hours without you there

**little lion**: that's so gay

**little lion**: I'm gonna send you a vial of my tears as payment for my heart swelling for you

**laf**: oh cool

**laf**: shots

**little lion**: NO

**more like HUNKules**: I FELL ASLEEP

**more like HUNKules**: I'm not late or anything I was just surprised 

**more like HUNKules**: we were watching a movie and I woke up and all of them were just. huddled around me. and I'm really content rn 

**johnn**: PICS PICS PICS!! 

**more like HUNKules**: going going going !! 

**little lion**: oh HELL yes

\---

**macaroni fUCK**: so,,y'all are in this meeting

**macaroni fUCK**: wanna have a convo

**little lion**: we can discuss how beautiful I find you in light green if you want

**macaroni fUCK**: I do NOT bc I will die

**little lion**: you're BLUSHING

**macaroni fUCK**: FUCK 

**macaroni fUCK**: OFFSDHKSJDH

**little lion**: THIS IS SO GAY AND EMBARASSING FOR YOU 

**macaroni fUCK**: IM GONNA CRWAL OVER THE TSBMLE AND SQUEEZE YOU SO HADR

**little lion**: NICE TRY!! GWASH WOULD KILL US

**little lion**: maybe not me, as I am loved very dearly by the washington's and you are Less loved by the washington's

**macaroni fUCK**: you are so MEAN TO ME 

**little lion**: I love you so much!! tell me about your morning

**little lion**: I got the picture of you, lucy, and jane from james

**jmadzzz**: and then you sent me three pictures of you crying progressively harder

**little lion**: I love them okay!! the other day frances hugged you and you looked like you'd been blessed 

**jmadzzz**: I was!! and ana was telling me about her knitting project and she sounded so excited to tell me about it and !! so many kids are so quiet about their interests and I'm so happy our kids can tell us stuff like that and are so comfortable !! with us and that your kids are comfortable with me like wowoowow I have much love

**macaroni fUCK**: if you already knOW how my morning went why are you askingklslhdkjsdh

**little lion**: cause I loVE YOU?? AND I WANT TO KN O W?? ASSHOLE

**macaroni fUCK**: jhsdjhd I woke up to james crushing me bc he's a dick

**jmadzzz**: you kicked me in the like. soft part of my calf with your pointy nails and so I had to restrain you!! I love you but my legs were in danger!!

**macaroni fUCK**: I loOOoOoOOoOOoVE you and you are forgivEN

**jmadzzz**: I think it's really cool that you're my husband

**macaroni fUCK**: gnarly bro

**jmadzzz**: I also think it's totally tubular that we have alexander as a rockin ass husband as well man

**jmadzzz**: peace and blessings dude

**little lion**: I regret ever asking

**macaroni fUCK**: NO it's fine!! ANYWAY after I hauled james off of me because he keeps his hair short and therefore doesn't have to wake up 45 minutes before to untwist all of it

**macaroni fUCK**: so I DID THAT and I had some time left bc I did big flat twists not the micro ones I usually do and I went out to make BREAKFAST for my family bc I love them and they gotta get that protein 

**jmadzzz**: not before you came back into our room, kissed me and told me you loved me, and then went out to the kitchen

**jmadzzz**: that's not all you said but I don't want you to explode

**macaroni fUCK**: you hEARD THAT??

**jmadzzz**: just this once

**jmadzzz**: if you do it other times when I'm asleep then I don't hear those this was entirely new

**macaroni fUCK**: you're very dear to me and sometimes when I see you asleep and you're all peaceful I word vom on you about it

**jmadzzz**: nothing to be ashamed of love

**jmadzzz**: love you both

**little lion**: love you too!!

**macaroni fUCK**: love you <3

\---

**laf**: help I just realized something

**johnn**: love??

**laf**: I realized love when I looked into your eyes for the first time this isn't that

**johnn**: oh okay cool 

**johnn**: just gonna

**johnn**: cardiac arrest

**laf**: I don't know how to build a relationship anymore

**more like HUNKules**: anastasie is wearing a jumpsuit to her date tonight and i'm. going to cry my eyes out.

**more like HUNKules**: what's wrong dearest

**laf**: I don't know how to Not be in love 

**laf**: like !! idk how to not be in love and still LIKE someone anymore because I love you all so fiercely it hurts my heart and it's been !! it's been years since I like,, !! it's been years since I !! even dated someone without loving them first and !! I don't know what to do 

**laf**: like I look at thomas right, and I see how alexander looks at thomas, and it's not the same thing bc why would it be!! there's like years of a rivalry and then love and then like breakups and getting together and 12 years of healing all used as a foundation to build that love again and like !! that's love !! I look at you all that way but different bc it's a different situation and !! 

**laf**: so I look at thomas, or james, and I see like. two attractive people who are funny and kind and sweet who I'd like to love, but don't yet

**laf**: and idk how to act around them because it's not concrete ground like love is. I love you so much and bc of that and becAUSE you love me back, I can be myself around you. I don't have to hold anything back and I can love you with my whole body mind soul whatever the fuck and it doesn't matter !! with them I can't do that !! I'm not comfortable with that right now and that makes me feel fuckign wEIRD!!

**laf**: I know I don't have to like !! I know I can act however I feel comfortable but I don't know what comfortable IS 

**more like HUNKules**: I am in love with you and I understand

**johnn**: is there anything we can do for you love??

**little lion**: they're shaKing !! bc thomas and james are talking in a group chat to us bc we're all in this meeting and laf isn't saying anything bc of !! the above !! and so I'm holding their hand but idk what else to do

**laf**: I don't even know what to do !! 

**little lion**: take it step by step

**little lion**: you don't have to match me in aggressive magnitude of love for james and thomas

**little lion**: if !! you don't want to be !! in a relationship with them, then that's fine, and if you do but express your affection for them differently than how I do, or how hercules and john come to, then that's okay too

**little lion**: basically anything you do is okay, we'll assure you the entire time with everything, and you're beautiful and perfect and we love you 

**laf**: thank you alexander

**laf**: I'm out of practice in dating but I do know I definitely definitely Do want to date them 

**laf**: the last. date I had with someone that wasn't you was that one valentine's day where we stood alex up by accident

**little lion**: you MUST bring this up every single time

**more like HUNKules**: it's kinda cool though ain't it 

**more like HUNKules**: we get to be babies and like. blush and fumble all over again with new people. it's a good thing

**johnn**: a very good thing

**laf**: I have. copy and pasted these messages to thomas and james bc I'm too scared to actually type it all out in a more concise way 

**laf**: so everyone knows now

**laf**: open communication is important in buiding in maintaining relationships 

**laf**: or so I've heard, from the kids doing it these days 

**little lion**: proud of you

**laf**: thank you

\---

**macaroni fUCK**: WE'RE NERVOUS TOO !! YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING

**macaroni fUCK**: okay we are yelling

**jmadzzz**: YOU are yelling 

**macaroni fUCK**: semantics

**laf**: you're. ridiculous

**laf**: entirely ridiculous

**macaroni fUCK**: I've been told it's part of my charm

**laf**: I've been told it's part of your charm also 

**macaroni fUCK**: hmm I wonder by whomst

**little lion**: ,,,,,listen

**little lion**: I'm a man of. simple tastes. I see a man who has high int low wis, I crumble

**little lion**: sometimes thomas gets weird about philosophy though and writes like. "observations" he has about life so. high wis

**little lion**: basically he's smart of mind dumb of ass

**little lion**: and I love every bit of him 

**jmadzzz**: ew that's gay I'm telling

**little lion**: do you think my mom knew I wasn't straight

**laf**: alexander what

**little lion**: sorry !! sorry not the time kahjdhj

**laf**: maybe not now, bc I can't hug you in this conference room without getting a Look from dearest washington, but later we can okay??

**little lion**: yeah 

\---

**little lion**: let's go to dinner tonight!! with everyone !!

**little lion**: and we can date~~~

**laf**: I'd like that

**laf**: but we're talking about your mom first

**little lion**: ,,,fine

**little lion**: but sushi date fr fr fr 

**little lion**: I need CALIFORNIA ROLLS

**jmadzzz**: idk why you want to go on a sushi date you Only like california rolls

**little lion**: yes but I like them in high quantities, which a sushi place can provide me

**more like HUNKules**: okay but we could always just go to hibachi and you can be like. a rational person who Eats MeALS

**little lion**: OH WORD

**little lion**: YES LETS DO THAT

**macaroni fUCK**: smart of mind, dumb of ass

**johnn**: fat of ass

**little lion**: yknow what

**little lion**: I'm flattered

**little lion**: I'll take it

**johnn**: that's,,not all you can take

**little lion**: CEASE

\---

**little lion**: ANASTASIE IS GOING ON A DATE!! 

**little lion**: SHE JUST CAME IN HERE TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING AND I JUST REMEMBERED LIKE WOW SHES GOING ON A FUCKING DATE

**little lion**: but nOT

**little lion**: BUT MAYBE

**little lion**: OH GWASH ASKED ANA TO BE THE MENTOR FOR HIS UPCOMING STUDENT INTERN PROGRAM BTW!! VERY EXCITING

**more like HUNKules**: NO WAY

**jmadzzz**: THATS HUGE!!

**johnn**: didn't we already know this??

**little lion**: no, I told you about it when we were,,,in my office,,and you came in when I was doing the projected cost For the intern program and you asked what I was doing so I told you and how ana was supposed to be the head of it bc gwash told me and then I swore you to SECRECY 

**macaroni fUCK**: why did you say,,,in my office,,like that

**more like HUNKules**: bc they had sex in alex's office

**johnn**: ,,,,maybe so

**little lion**: MAYBE. SO.

**little lion**: BUT SHE'S GOING ON A DATE!! 

**laf**: I KNOW!! IM GONNA CRY

**johnn**: STOP !! LETS TALK ABT SMTH ELSE IN LOwercase letters so as to not provoke strong emotions

**more like HUNKules**: yeah totally

**more like HUNKules**: okay so !! hibachi tonight while ana is on her date bc we are NOT stalkers

**macaroni fUCK**: yes exactly

**more like HUNKules**: oh maybe we can make it a family thing

**little lion**: oh!! yeah!! but not like everyone bc ana wants to be there for it if it's everyone

**little lion**: so just us, pip, frances, lucy, and jane 

**little lion**: oH and james !! bc he lives with us

**little lion**: francis can come with us if he Would Like, bc we are not about separating our children's signifs

**johnn**: yay!! I'll go ask

\---

**johnn**: DEAREST CHILDREN 

**johnn**: WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH ME, LAFAYETTE, ALEX, HERCULES, JAMES, AND THOMAS TO HIBACHI TONITE TO. EAT.

**anastasie**: am I in this so you can hurt me or??

**johnn**: just so you didn't feel left out

**anastasie**: oh!! thank you

**lucy junior**: JANE HAS LET ME GO AND NOW I AM PAINTING YES I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HIBACHI I WANT S T E A K

**pip pip doodly doo**: yeah!! we stan a family night

**jane junior**: yeehaw !! 

**jane junior**: also when y'all get home can we talk about buying me a. BOOKSHELF.

**jmadzzz**: yeah we can talk abt it !! are your regular shelves full??

**jane junior**: they broke?? sort of??

**jmadzzz**: ARE YOU ?? OKAY??

**jane junior**: oh yeah!! should've led with that

**macaroni fUCK**: YEAH A TAD

**jane junior**: yeah I'm fine the top shelf broke bc there was too much weight on it and the others came CRASHING down so uhhh ;) can I get a new one ;) 

**macaroni fUCK**: we can look for a new one when we get home or later tonight 

**jane junior**: yay!! thank you sm love you

**macaroni fUCK**: love you!!

**jmadzzz**: love you too!!

**frances**: yeEHAW I'm going 

**little lion**: james can come if he wants !! and francis!! 

**frances**: !!! him and francis have work tonight but ty!! 

**little lion**: NICE 

**macaroni fUCK**: I'm so excITED!! 

**laf**: same!! 

**little lion**: !!!

\---

**little lion**: greens and blues for the color scheme ladies

**little lion**: greens and blues

**macaroni fUCK**: how do I come into work to go to one meeting and then leave and somehow end up staying late

**little lion**: bc i'm in your lap, could you focus??

**johnn**: IVE BEEN WAITING IN THE CAR FOR LIKE FIFTY YEARS

**johnn**: IS THAT WHERE LAFAYETTE IS TOO

**laf**: ,,,,,,,,

**johnn**: ALL FOUR OF YOU GET DOWN HERE NOW!! 

**johnn**: we gotta get DRESSED

**johnn**: alex made RESERVATIONS

**jmadzzz**: jkdjhj wanna drive us home??

**johnn**: IF YOU !! GET HERE FIRST!! 

**little lion**: you should move some of your clothes over to our house

**little lion**: I'd have to see about moving our clothes to yours

**little lion**: we are. a tad obsessive about our clothes 

**jmadzzz**: I'd like that

**jmadzzz**: but lets gO

**laf**: ye!! 

**johnn**: thank GOD

**johnn**: there's also no way hercules Isn't asleep right now 

**little lion**: you're right and you should say it

**little lion**: I love you so much by the way

**johnn**: I'm not actually mad at you 

**little lion**: I know, just thought I'd say

**little lion**: are you just in the car right now also?? just in the passenger seat waiting for someone to drive

**johnn**: ya bc I keep forgetting that we have a different car now so I keep thinking oh it'll be hard for laf or herc to move the seat back up 

**laf**: I'm.

**laf**: we're gonna kiss when I get down there

**laf**: just so you know when someone rips open your car door and catches you in a Loving Embrace

**johnn**: how kind of you to warn me 

**laf**: I'm nothing if not courteous

**little lion**: OH wowowowow

**little lion**: that kiss don't look very fuckin courteous 

**jmadzzz**: they are literally. omg

**macaroni fUCK**: my orthodontist doesn't even know my mouth that well jesus fuck

**little lion**: laf has the tendency to kiss a person like it is the last moment they will ever be able to breathe again and they need their only supply of air is whatever you've got left in your lungs

**macaroni fUCK**: ,,,inch resting

**little lion**: oh you'll find out

**jmadzzz**: oh I plan to

\---

**more like HUNKules**: dude what is HAPPENING 

**more like HUNKules**: I woke up again and first of all, all the kids are still with me, so that's nice

**more like HUNKules**: I love our family

**more like HUNKules**: but most importantly there's like seven thousand text messages from y'all about just. absolute clownery.

**little lion**: dONT MOVE

**little lion**: WE ARE COMING UP NOW I WILL BE CLIMBING ON TOP OF YOU AND LOVING ENJOYING THE TIME 

**little lion**: JOHN AND LAF ARE ON OUTFIT DUTY

**laf**: yes'm

**little lion**: I am so FULL OF LOVE!! 

**more like HUNKules**: !! yes !! come here my petite babe

**little lion**: !!!!

\---

**macaroni fUCK**: am I supposed to wear?? blue or green??

**little lion**: ,,,green

**little lion**: yes green

**little lion**: and james should wear blue so that when I see you my body just explodes

**jmadzzz**: okay,,no

**jmadzzz**: but I do have this satin teal shirt I bought that I have just been. ITCHING. to wear

**jmadzzz**: so yes

**little lion**: oh god I'm so gay

**little lion**: my heart feels like its going to fill up with liquid (love) and I'm going to drown

**macaroni fUCK**: caLL??? A DOCTOR???

\---

**martholemew skywhales**: hi I'm just texting to make sure we're still going tonight !! is there a color scheme?? 

**anastasie**: of course !! is five still okay?? 

**anastasie**: and I'm wearing pink and yellow pastels but you don't have to match me

**martholemew skywhales**: oh I'm MATCHING

**martholemew skywhales**: and yE five is cool

**anastasie**: cool !! cool cool cool

\---

**anastasie**: I'm so fucking STUPID

**frances**: probably but why now

**anastasie**: ok fuck you

**anastasie**: anyway martha asked me what colors I was wearing and I told her and now she's like haha oh I'll match and my DUMB GAY ASS GOES ""cool !! cool cool cool"" LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

**frances**: oh. my god.

**anastasie**: SHES GONNA THINK I DONT WANT HER TO MATCH ME WHEN THATS ALL I WAN T !!

**pip pip doodly doo**: then teLL her that skhdsjdh 

**anastasie**: BUT IM DUMB AND IM GAY

**pip pip doodly doo**: me and frances are gay as hell and you don't see us doin this

**anastasie**: theodosia kissed you ((on the mouth!!!)) for the first time and you asked her fucking ""what she did that for""

**pip pip doodly doo**: ,,,,fuck OFF

**frances**: I love james and francis but wow it's. been a bit since i've made out w a girl.

**pip pip doodly doo**: are thoughts like this Allowed in your relationship??

**frances**: ""Allowed"" in my relationship ksjdhksjd

**frances**: also ya it's a thing

**frances**: I can make out w people and like,,,other stuff,,but I'm not interested in dating anyone else, and neither are james or francis

**frances**: BUT if that changes we tell each other

**frances**: hence my tendency to make out with girls at parties

**anastasie**: WE ARE OFF TRACK

**pip pip doodly doo**: BC WE'VE ARRIVED AT THE DESTINATION OF: TELL HER OR DIE

**anastasie**: FUCK

\---

**anastasie**: uHHhH to clarify

**anastasie**: I think it'd be tres cool of you if we could match and that it !! yes I'd like that

**anastasie**: also I'm like ten minutes away from your house

**martholemew skywhales**: okay !! I'm almost ready !! 

**martholemew skywhales**: you can come up also !! my parents want to see you

**anastasie**: oh 

**anastasie**: am I in trouble??

**martholemew skywhales**: no they're just like. That.

**anastasie**: oH word yeah I'll come up!!

**anastasie**: also sorry if I'm being weird I'm also just like. That.

**martholemew** **skywhales**: oh it's fine same

\---

**martholemew skywhales**: mother I have decided to go completely off the fucking rails 

**angelica**: oh okay

**angelica**: I support you in that 

**angelica**: just don't break any furniture 

**martholemew skywhales**: WOW THANKS

**angelica**: what aM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?? YOURE ALREADY LEAVIN THE RAILS I CANT STOP YOU NOW!! your resilience is one of the many things I love about you

**martholemew skywhales**: KHDSLJDHSHHH

**angelica**: come out here and let me see how cute you look!!

**martholemew skywhales**: tell dad to put the camera away and I will.

**angelica**: ,,,there's no way you could know that

**martholemew skywhales**: iM ALMOST 17 I KNOW MY OWN PARENTS!! 

**angelica**: your dad no longer has the camera

**angelica**: ANA IS HERE

**martholomew skywhales**: FUCK

\---

**anastasie**: dolley has a camera ?? rn ??

**martholemew skywhales**: oh my god I hate them

**martholemew skywhales**: are your parents looking for a new kid?? they've got a pull out couch 

**anastasie**: jhdkjs we just got one thank you

**martholemew skywhales**: wait deadass??

**anastasie**: we can talk on our way to the park 

**martholemew skywhales**: oh !! nice

\---

**martholemew skywhales**: IM GAY DUDE

**billy whale pain**: oh word?? I'm currently making out with a dude so if we could like talk later??

**martholemew skywhales**: OH?? OH????????

**billy whale pain**: SHHH 

**martholemew skywhales**: this would not be an issue if you just kept your ringer off like ?? what kind of gay??

**billy whale pain**: fuck OFF

\---

**billy whale pain**: okay go

**martholemew skywhales**: first of all ren had a CAMERA and they were tryING TO LIKE?? SNEAK SHOTS?? AND I ASKED LIKE HAHA WILL YOUR PARENTS ADOPT ME -- I KNOW ITS WEIRD DONT TALK ABT IT -- ND SHE WAS LIKE NO WE JUST GOT ANOTHER KID AND I WAS LIKE WHAT AND SHE GOES ""we can talk on the way there"" AND MY HEART JUST LIKE UHH

**martholemew skywhales**: DIED

**billy whale pain**: are you with her rn??

**martholemew skywhales**: YEAH BUT IM TEXTING LIKE BEHIND MY BACK 

**martholemew skywhales**: OKAY WE'RE OUT OF THE ELEVATOR BYE BYE BEY

**billy whale pain**: so. so dumb.

\---

**france eyes**: FRACNES 

**france eyes**: YOU LOOK SO !! BEAUTIFUL!! IM IN LOVE WITH YOU VERY HARD!! 

**frances**: ??yoU HAVENT EVEN SEEN ME??? I DO LOOK VERY CUTE RN THOUGH THANK YOU 

**france eyes**: JAMES SENT ME PICTURES!! 

**frances**: of,,,,what,,,,

**james**: NOT THAT

**france eyes**: ,,,,inch resting

**james**: I mean now yeah

**france eyes**: SHUT U P

**james**: ARE YOU ON BREAK RN

**france eyes**: yeAH !! I JUST STARTED IT THOUGH SO YOU CAN !! WE CAN HANG O U T

**james**: yES 

**frances**: wanna have a sleepover tonight?? 

**james**: ,,,yes

**france eyes**: me and james are fr gonna fight when he shows up I haTe him kdhskdh 

**james**: the fighting is going to be w lips though

**france eyes**: only way I know how 

**france eyes**: also yes I would like that

**france eyes**: I love you 

**frances**: yaY !! do y'all want anything from hibachi my parents are offerING

**france eyes**: ,,,,,sashimi and also,,,steak,,,if it's not too much trouble

**frances**: aINT

**james**: I'm good ty though!!

\---

**frances**: this man really thinks I'm not getting him chicken and noodles,,,the clownery

**france eyes**: word word word 

**france eyes**: love him though

**frances**: oh of course 

**frances**: I love you too yknow

**france eyes**: love you <3

\---

**laf**: I love. our family. my heart soars

**more like HUNKules**: nobody told me lucy and jane were so cool

**little lion**: IVE TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES

**johnn**: kind of in love with how comfortable everyone is with each other

**johnn**: kind of in love with all of you 

**little lion**: I'm gonna kiss you now I'm sorry if I break teeth

**johnn**: I've got strong enamel

**little lion**: greAT!!

\---

**more like HUNKules**: it's raining!! are you guys okay!!

**anastasie**: yeah!! when it started drizzling we left and went to a museum 

**anastasie**: I tried to call you but y'all are hoes and don't ANSWER 

**more like HUNKules**: ,,,love you be safe have fun

**anastasie**: love you too!!

\---

**france eyes**: I'm done with work!! are you home yet??

**james**: I hate this JOB!!

**frances**: we're getting ice cream rn I'll send you my location !! 

**france eyes**: !! omw 

\---

**anastasie**: HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

**anastasie**: I GOT KISSED!! IVE BEEN KSISED!! IVE KISSED!!!

**pip pip doodly doo**: NO FUCKNG WAY

**lucy junior**: congrats!! ?? 

**jane junior**: YEEHAW

**jane junior**: bc we are siblings duh

**lucy junior**: I'm mad at you rn do not speak to me

**jane junior**: IM

**frances**: NO FUCKING W A Y

**frances**: DETAILS!! NOW

**pip pip doodly doo**: YEAH DEETS

**lucy junior**: DEETS DEETS DEETS

**jane junior**: DEETS DEETS DEETS DEETS DEETS

**anastasie**: IT WAS RAINING AND SO WE WENT INTO A MUSEUM CLOSE BY BC I LOVE MUSEUMS AND ITS NICE AND DRY IN THERE AND ALSO COLD TO PRESERVE THE A R T AND SO WE RAN IN THERE AND SHE WAS TALKING TO ME AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE PAINTINGS AND I WAS RAMBLING ABT THE ABDUCTION OF EUROPA BY COYPEL BC ITS A FAVE AND I WAS LIKE. BEING ANNOYING. BC I TALKED FOR A GOOD FIVE MINUTES ABOUT THIS PAINTING. AND THEN SHE JUST. LEANED OVER. AND KISSED ME. AND I DIED

**anastasie**: I AM DEAD NOW

**frances**: OH THATS PRECIOUS

**frances**: OH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU THIS IS SO CUTE

**frances**: COME HOME SO WE CAN TALK 

**anastasie**: IM IN THE CAB NOW I KISSED HER BEFORE SHE GOT OUT OF THE CAB AND IM GONAN CRY

**anastasie**: FEELING VERY OVERWHELMED

**frances**: YOU DESERVE TO!! MY BABY SISTER!!

**anastasie**: !!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**anastasie**: IM HOME!! IM HOME IM HOME THE ELEVATOR IS OPENING IM COMING U P 

**pip pip doodly doo**: wait so did you tell her it was a date

**anastasie**: NO 

**anastasie**: I WAS CONVINCED AT THAT POINT THAT IT WAS A CASUAL FRIENDS THING UNTIL SHE KISSED ME AND THEN I FUCKING 

**anastasie**: G O D

**anastasie**: I FUCKING SAID ""do you wanna go out with me??" AND SHE GOES "aren't we already doing that?"" AND IM STILL BLUSHING

**frances**: COME HO M E 

**anastasie**: I CANT MAKE THE ELEVATOR GO ANY FUCKING FASTER NOW CAN I!! 

**anastasie**: WHOS ALL HOME

**frances**: uhh all of us

**frances**: minus theo

**pip pip doodly doo**: omg wait

\---

**pip pip doodly doo**: wanna come over tonight??

**pip pip doodly doo**: my whole family is here except the schuylers and we're all hangin out watching movies

**theodosia the Second**: omg yes!! my parents are out tonight and I was about to call you to see if you wanted to come over

**theodosia the Second**: we're never having a silent home I hope you know

**pip pip doodly doo**: we both. talk so very loud. and listen to a lot of jazz music

**pip pip doodly doo**: if we wanted even a Quiet home, not even a silent one, we'd have significant trouble 

**theodosia the Second**: I love you so muCH

**pip pip doodly doo**: also ana went on her first date today if you're interested in hearing about That

**theodosia the Second**: OH IM PACKING AS FAST AS I CAN

**theodosia the Second**: we got those juices you like also do you want one

**pip pip doodly doo**: who am I to turn down orange pineapple juice

**theodosia the Second**: that's what I thought

**theodosia the Second**: see you in twenty

**pip pip doodly doo**: love you!! see you soon!!

\---

**little lion**: anyone interested in going to bed ?? 

**little lion**: bc I'm kind of very into staying in the living room in a big family pile w everyone rn

**johnn**: bold of you to assume I would let any of us get up rn 

**more like HUNKules**: james and laf are dead asleep cuddling rn you weren't prying us apart if you tried

**little lion**: I also love how like!! jane and lucy and francis and james and theo all just !! feel comfortable crawling into this pile like !! I like we provide a warm and welcoming environment for people and that they feel they can be a part of this family !! bc they ARE 

**johnn**: I know!! and that ana feels comfortable around all of these people enough to just !! teLL US ABOUT HER FIRST DATE AND THAT SHE KISSED MARTHA SCHUYLER IS ANYONE ELSE FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT

**little lion**: I KNOW!! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW !! BUT WE CANT REACT IN ANY ANXIOUS WAY BC SHE WILL NTO TELL US 

**little lion**: I ADORE OUR FAMILY AND IM SO HAPPY FOR ANA BUT ALSO I WANT TO DIE BC SHES SO OLD NOW!! WE ADOPTED HER WHEN SHE WAS FIVE!!! SHE JUST WENT OUT ON A DATE!! SHE'S SIXTEEN!! IM IN S H A M B L E S

**laf**: shh sleep with me

**little lion**: mm okay

**little lion**: love you

**laf**: love you too

\---

**martholemew skywhales**: wanna go to the met next week??

**anastasie**: omg yes!! 

\---

**anastasie**: DID I MENTION IM DEAD

**anastasie**: GAY AND DEAD

**pip pip doodly doo**: bury your gays trope 0/10

**anastasie**: OH WORD??

**Author's Note:**

> !! yeehaw I started this literally like. two weeks ago. and genuinely did not finish it until like one second ago when I learned what fucking. rich text files were bc I'm stupid. anyway enjoy !! follow me on tumblr @lol-phan-af and validate me


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